By Sis. Stephanie Lindsey- Guest Writer and Author of “Crabs in a Bucket”

March 21st 2014– “God, Why did she die?”
God: “Trust me in all things”

March 21st 2015– “God, is our sister really gone?”
God: “Trust me in all things”

March 21st 2016– “God I hate you”
God: “Trust me in all things”

March 21st 2017– “God, where were you?”
God: “Trust me in all things”

March 21st 2018– “God, We’re trying”
God: “Trust me in all things”

March 21st 2019– “God, I trust you”
God: “She died in 2014 because it was her time. She’s not present in body in 2015 but her spirit is well. I never stopped loving you in 2016 and I never left you in 2017. I saw your family piecing life without her back together in 2018 and your obedience will be blessed in 2019.”

The post above is from my Facebook page and it is a summary of my five-year journey toward forgiving God and finding his grace, peace and healing while dealing with the death of my sister.

I started questioning God the day she died. Not that I had never asked questions of God before, but for the first time I began to question his judgement. I began to question his will. He had taken my sister from us. From her children.

“He had obviously made a mistake.“

Losing a loved one is the greatest battle of faith I have ever fought. I lost my sister Phylicia to a brain cyst on March 21^st 2014. I still remember walking into the hospital room and staring at my older sister lying in the hospital bed. Tubes connected her to machines. One making her breath, one pumping her heart, others monitoring her. I took her hand. It was still warm, but I knew she was gone. The machines would be unplugged, and she would be left still. My younger sister was standing next to me, she pointed at Phylicia’s finger nails and toe nails; pink and green for St. Patrick’s Day.

I believed my sister was not supposed to die, but she did and I was mad at God for taking her.

If you have ever lost a loved one, then you probably know exactly how I felt that day. No matter how close you are to God, you have that moment. The moment in which you ask him why. Why did he take your loved one? Why did he take your daughter or son or sister or brother? Why did he take your mother or father or aunt or uncle? Why did he take your niece or nephew or cousin or friend? Why did he take your husband or wife?

It is in those times that God gives you grace. He hears your cries, he hears the blame, but he also feels your pain. He knows that grief is a process and when you’re in the thick of it the pain is overwhelming, and the anger is real. As humans and children of God he allows us to feel this pain and to go through this process. After all, God has been there and done that. His Only Son died for the sins of the entire world. I can’t imagine what he felt.

My grief process changed over the years. I went through so many different emotions! However, God’s response never changed, he just wanted me to trust him and over time I forgave him for allowing my sister to die and I asked his forgiveness of my doubt and fear. I began to see that there is purpose in Phylicia’s passing. I had to understand believing in God did not exempt me or my family from suffering and loss. I was not alone.

I gained a confidence in the Lord that I had never known. A trust in him that I never knew I could have. When you feel like your world is falling apart, when you have hit rock bottom, you reach a point where you know your faith and trust in God is the ONLY thing that can pull you back out.

I didn’t have to walk it alone, rather, I chose to not walk it alone. I talked to my family. I talked to my friends. I cried on their shoulders. I maintained a network of believers who prayed for me when I couldn’t pray for myself. I knew isolation would create a foothold in the door to my heart for the devil to come in and tear me apart. I was determined to keep that door closed off to him. I had low, very low moments, but there was always the voice of God in one form or another telling me to trust him in all things.

The best advice I can give for those dealing with the loss of a loved one is this:

• Never stop trusting God
• It is ok to go through the process, but don’t allow it to consume you so you believe that God doesn’t exist.  He does!
• It is ok if you feel like you hate God, He understands.
• DO NOT ISOLATE YOURSELF. Talk to people you trust. God gives us family and friends for a reason. Let them love on you and pray for you when you can’t do the same for yourself.
• It is NOT your fault that your loved one passed away.

Now, five years after her death I can feel my sister with me stronger than ever, because I choose to celebrate her life. I choose to remember her laugh and smile. I see her face in the faces of her children. With every goal I reach in life I feel her cheering me on. It is not easy, but through grace and faith I make it through each day.

Losing Phylicia won’t be the hardest battle I ever will face, but over the years God has shown me there is grace in grief and joy after sorrow.

Verses to get you through this time of loss

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” Matthew 5:4

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  Psalm 34:18

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

“And God shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.” Revelation 21:4